my life is screwed...like woah. just gotta make it through this week and then i'll be dandy...at least half way.

Everyday I'm growing closer to God. I'm learning new things about him and am giving myself over to him more everyday. I'm evaluating myself and the things I hold most important through a different perspective. In the past days I've realized how selfish I am and how my thoughts need to be captivated and looked at to see if they come from Christ or the enemy. I'm looking again at the music I listen to and at parts of my past that I didn't want to face. I couldn't find a second job, not because I'm unqualified, but because I kept making mistakes on applications. God doesn't want me too busy to spend time with him this summer. He wants me to face up to missing New Orleans and all of the people there. He wants to help me through this and I'm going to let him. I already am. I want to be a Jesus fanatic!

"F-A-N-A-T-I-C Fanatic! I rep Christ till I D-I-E Fanatic! I'm not extreme. I'm redeemed with faith that serves a God who is extremely great! I'm a fanatic!"-Lecrae

Christian rap...that's whats up.

Opening Credits: "Human Nature" by Michael Jackson

Waking Up: "Black Balloon" by Goo Goo Dolls

First Day At School: "Cross That Line" by Akon (not sure if that's the title...)

Falling In Love: "The Love You Save" by Jackson 5

Losing Virginity: "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls

Fight Song: "Wait" by Lecrae

Breaking Up: Ummm...random song...fitting though.

Prom: "Perfect Day" by Clay Aiken

Life: "Facedown" by

Mental Breakdown: Ummm...another random song...this one's rap...it talks about a coma though..

Driving: "I Got It" by T-Pain

Flashback: Don't know the title, but the main line is "You know we keep that white girl..." Definantly a good flashback song after my summer in the N.O. *cough* Ray...

Getting Back Together: "Ohio is for Lovers" by Hawthorne Heights

Wedding: "The Grey Havens" from the Lord of the Rings Soundtrack

Birth of Child: "Returning the Smile You Have Had from the Start" by Emery

Final Battle: "My Friend" by DC Talk

Death Scene: "Crossover" by Lecrae

Funeral Song: The Nawmean song...haha.

End Credits: Buy U A Drink (Shawty Snappin') by T-Pain

Alot of this is actually quite fitting....

jealous..i'm jealous. i finally admit it.

well good things are happening in room 245. kelsey is going to be in RA in the lovely brandt next year! michaela's interview for study abroad next spring went smashingly well! AND im rooming with good ole katarina reiher next year! on top of all of this splendid news, me and the other two parts of the trio are becoming easter bunnies tonight, ears and all. we're hosting an easter egg hunt!

so im a little pissed that i get in trouble for trying to be a good person...

i feel so weird right now...so inadequate

okay...here's the dealio. i think i could be content being at luther for 4 years to becoming a museum curator and then moving to a big city and working myself up in power at an amazing museum. content....but happy? so my class on apartheid in south africa hit me really hard. the things that people are capable of doing to each other are awful and the white supremacy stuff just makes me so mad. im done with that class though so im moving on right? basically no. my freshman course is going to be focusing on slavery and racism this semester. i realize that these topics hit everybody but i think they affect me more. maybe its because i have lots of black friends and dont see them any differently than anyone else. racism makes me so mad and i realize that i cant change the world, but...i dont know. maybe God is trying to tell me something through giving me these courses. maybe hes trying to open my eyes to something bigger that he wants from me.

i never actually thought i would stick with being a museum curator, but lately i've really taken to the idea. i like the thought of learning tons of history and getting to exam up close artifacts from the past...how cool would that be?!

now im doubting it again and i have no idea what to do with my life. i'm applying to UNO and after i get accepted then i'll decide what to do. i thought maybe my time in new orleans is done, but after talking to ray i think maybe its not. i shouldnt let him put thoughts in my head, but what would it hurt to apply.

God show me your way and your will. i dont know what im doing, but i have a feeling that you have bigger plans for me than to work in a museum my entire life.

after going back through my livejournal entries i've decided that i was plain weird during highschool...like seriously. i was such a freak. i dont even know how my friends could stand it...prolly cuz they were freaks too. i like looking back, but a lot of times i would hint at something important and then not write about it! how freaking frustrating! like i fricken remember it now...not. dang stupidness. anyways, it was exciting to read back in the days of clay obsession, aj, the play...good times. i actually wrote that i didnt think becky grant and i would stay friends after the play was done. that made me laugh cuz shes like my best friend now. ...oh the days when i was so young and naive...haha.

hes moving back..i havent seen him since october, but its still hard to think of being more than 4 hours away from him...usually im 2. when he told me my heart skipped a beat. its just...so weird to think of. he wants me to ask him to stay, but im trying to not be as emotionally involved. of course i want him to stay...im trying to think with my head rather than with my heart.

wow, i never update this thing. i dont even really know why i have it anymore...oh well. so my apartheid class is quite depressing. i guess i didnt realize all the torturing and killings that went on during it. makes me look past my life and the things im unhappy with to compare it with how the black Africans still live today. its humbling.

i've started working out everyday which is basically fantastic. i love working out in the morning. i feel so good after i do it. my mp3 player broke somehow, but becky grant is going to send me her free one so thats no big deal. yay for cheap free mp3 players!

my roomies and i went to rochester yesterday! we ate lunch at panera....oh so good. then we went to the movie atonement and then to olive garden for dinner. it was amazing roommate bonding time! some people were upset that it was just us 3, but it was bonding time so what could we do?

i basically realy like life right now and im so excited for my future. im excited for next semester, for my summer of working 3 jobs. i've also decided that im going to learn how to knit and sew and cook over the summer. im also going to get this sweet workout called turbojam! im pretty stoked. then next year and hopefully next summer ill get to volunteer in africa. i would this summer, but i need to stay home and make money. i want to volunteer in africa so badly though. "send me ill go. send me ill go. send me ill go. let me go. let me go."

so there was this one time...when everyone else was done with finals....and i was still working on my 20 page paper.....suck.

on another note...i dont understand people who can either support Bush or stand up for him. after all the crap he's lead our country through who would honestly do that? bleh...hes such an idiot.

whats new...things exploded again. i'm not ready to be friends with ray again. i don't know why i thought i was. he told me he loves jill...that was really hard to take. i think i always overreact with him though. im important to him as a friend. erg...i always mess things up. my heart gets in the way, but can i really help that? no talking to him for 2 months...that's the goal im setting for myself. once i'm over him, i really do want to be friends and think we can. jill and i are good now....for real. she understands what i'm going through... suck...

Half of my floormates and I were just playing in the snow!!! It's snowing so much and its so pretty!!! I love it!!! I love how all of the freshmen went wild...there were so many people outside! This was a great end to a really crappy day!!!! Look on facebook for pictures!!!! Woohoo!!!! Snoooooowwwww!!!!!!

Last night I made a mistake, which I then corrected. I wrote an angry message on Ray's wall about how I feel like my friends from New Orleans, New Orleans itself to a certain extent, and even my plans of becoming an elementary education teacher in inner city are being taken from me. I asked what else would be taken. I deleted it though before he could see it. I know that I don't want to start that. Well, of course Jill read it and just had to message me, telling me about her and Ray had a thing for 2 years and that she's not taking anything from me. That she's been down to the N.O. too and thus has friends. When I say friends being taken from me, I mean going on every friend from New Orleans facebook wall and seeing that she's written on it. Even Josiahs! Of course she doesn't know that. Anyways, then she goes on to say how if I would stop looking at how shes ruining my life, I'd be able to see God's desires and wants for my life. How does she think I've recovered at all from this?!? It's only through my faith that I've come so far. This is the 2nd time she's insulted my faith. She knows nothing about me...she doesnt know what I'm going through. She got Ray so why can't she leave me alone?!? As if I don't think of Ray everyday, I now have another reminder of how he chose her over me...fan freaking tastic...

so heres the present dealio. ray wanted to visit me at college this weekend, but im home for fall break. heck yes fall break! so anyways, he was kinda upset but whatev. then today i go onto his facebook page and he posted on so many pictures of jill last night. he commented on her amazing eyes and "thats my girl"...that kind of stuff. so basically i started crying cuz it still just upsets me. anywho, so he called tonight and asked if he could come to minnesota to visit me and stay until sunday afternoon. that surprised me! he must really want to see me for some reason. anywho, i told him that that would not be good because my mum doesnt exactly like him right now. i mean....i really shouldnt even like him after all this stuff. i still do though...alot. after i told him that he got upset and told me he was done, for real. i dont really believe him cuz when i wanted a break it didnt work so.

now this leaves me both sad and hoping for the freedom that i was talking about to becky grant. i dont think i can ever truly be free of ray's hold on me until he lets me go...and maybe now he is.

this hurts alot, but i know in the long run that if we dont talk it'll be far healthier for me. i also know that its good that i've told my mum all this stuff because otherwise i would have let him come and stay. my question is, what happened to jill?

also, i've realized that it really isnt God's plan for ray and i to be together because my mom and my brother are so against him now because hes hurt me so much. i think that God brought ray into my life to teach me alot about loving God and about seeking Him as my romancer.

i want to be his friend, but i think for right now i just need a clean break. so, although it hurts and is extremely hard, i want to be let go.

im glad that im home while im dealing with this new situation. usually im at college when problems arise and i always wish i were at home. well now i am. ill be chillaxin with becky grant and hopefully dizzanch. it'll be a good weekend back in good ole waseca.

i was really doing well at the beginning of this week. i swear, i was getting better. now i think im really starting to miss him though. jill's visiting him again this weekend. obviously hes moved on...

in new orleans he wrote that he wanted the chance to love me. he told me he would wait a year, or two, or three for me. he says he meant those things...obviously not. how did i get myself into this and how the frick do i get out?

i know why he doesnt want me there for his birthday, jill will prolly be there. who can blame a guy for wanting to be with someone he can hold and kiss on his birthday rather than just a friend.

i feel...torn up inside. like my feelings dont matter. he so clearly wants to be with jill, so why does he keep calling me?

i asked him why i wasnt enough for him. he said i was. i told him actions speak louder than words. i dont think he gets it...

despite all this, i still want to be with him.

do i love him?

things with ray and i exploded. i need some serious time to move past this. im not completely cutting him out of my life...i couldnt do that. romantic relationship....out of the question...for real this time. i can barely handle a friendship. if tonight hadn't happened we would have been friends again within a week or two. now though... i went to decorah's meadow/prairie and cried and cried and cried. i've never cried so much...ever. i had a nice long talk with God. despite all the things i know about ray, this still hurts so much. like...it doesnt even compare to how i felt when i first came to college. pain times a billion. after talking to the Lord though i feel like i can make it through. like i can resist speaking to him for awhile...maybe a long while. i still want to be there for his birthday but is that right? only time will tell i guess. i think i've hit rock bottom with him so the only place to go is back up...back to the Lord who deserves my heart far more than ray. despite how insightful this post may sound....i am in complete and utter pain...days will pass though and it'll get easier...right?

...i dont even understand anymore...

so i asked ray what he regreted most in life. he told me and then asked me the same question. i responded...and it had something to do with him. not himself...just yeah....its complicated. so now hes all upset, but i figure its good for him to know now, and to know that things will never go that far again. he says hes not gonna make me regret anything else to do with him, even though its my fault that i have anything to regret about him. he tried telling me, but i wouldnt listen. anyways, hes going to achieve the no regret thing by keeping his distance from me. i dont think he can though. i think we're too connected to each others lives now...i was thinking earlier about my life before i met ray and it seems so...weird. hes been part of my life for months now...its weird to think of a life without him....i dont really want to think of that. maybe i've been reading edward too much lately. maybe its warping how im thinking about this now. maybe im approaching this in the wrong way. maybe im giving too much of myself again. its hard to stay guarded though when this is what i want...to be a part of his life....to be with him.